This is the perfect day for a grilled cheese and tomato soup. But I am settling for pumpkin loaf and a tall, half-caf mocha at Starbucks, to check in with my boss, pick up my tips and say hi to my girls, who suddenly feel like such a kind refuge to me, after trying to break onto this musical theatre scene, with complete strangers that are supposedly going to become my best friends. So it is Tuesday morning, September 11, and it is finally raining--I could cry as I write it. The last time we saw rain was somewhere around Aug 17, but all of August only got a total of 1/8" rain. My heart and body feel great relief. But I want to cry with this rain for so many reasons...I miss home for starters. But it's so much more than that. Scott got a rejection letter yesterday on his 30th birthday and the crushing weight of financial responsibilities is bearing down on me when it should be the demands of school that is overwhelming me right now. And it is, by the way. It is not too much physically, although I might change my mind on that one, but too much emotionally.
I have so many antagonistic notions dancing around in my head. Many are negative, perhaps only as perceived by those who are to become my closest colleagues in the next two years. But here they are: my age, the fact that bonding took place the two days of Orientation I had to miss, my marriage, therefore my seeming stability and inaccessibility, my talent or lack thereof, the fact that I can't help but compare this program to my bittersweet Bethel days (and how generally loving people were), the fact that I identify more with my professors than I do with my classmates, my inhibitions, my lack of formal theatre and dance training, my disinterest in social status, the nagging feeling that I should be doing something more important with my life, and of course my allergies that leave me feeling like a squashed cabbage leaf. And so I need this cry, but I can't let it get too out of control or all of my breathing orafices might swell up and I have to sing a meaningful, gut-level song for Musical Theatre class this afternoon...
10 comments:
Jayme-- hang in there--
My sweet Jayme -- I'm so sorry for Scott's not getting the job. Go ahead a cry -- it's cathartic.
Then take a deep breath.
Can a mother forget the child at her breast? Even though she may forget, I will never forget you.
this is what God says of you and Scott.
And as far as the other things go, tell Satan to take a hike in Jesus name. You are walking in faith and courage by being in Boston, and that is a GOOD thing.
I love you tons.
Jayme,
Hey swwet girl. Blogs are still new to me, so I need to know:
"How do I hug you on a blog?" Consider yourself having been hugged. :)
I have been there ....... where I've wanted to cry with the rain. A passage of scripture that has become one of my favorites is Isaiah 43:1b-2
"I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters,I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
God says to you, "You are mine ... and I will protect you, physically and emotionally.
I love you, Jayme.
Dad Rack
My dear dear Jayme,
How I long for the days when I could hug and kiss my children, and that made everything all better. I've been hugging you and holding you so closely to my heart; kissing your hurts, Sweetheart, and longing to be able to fix it all...but I can't.
This is a very large assignment; a test, if you will, of your faith in God, your attitude, your mind, your self esteem, your pride, your devotion to Scott, your endurance....pretty much EVERYTHING. And the enemy wants to get involved in EVERY aspect of it, believe me. And he's so subtle and so creative....GRRRRRRR! He makes me so angry. I am praying over you tonight in the sweet name of Jesus, to fill your soul and spirit with His perfect peace that casts out fear and passes all of our understanding. I believe you are right where He wants you to be, AND I believe that He is going to teach you great and marvelous things that you wouldn't be able to learn in any other way. I'm sorry to say though (because I've been in those places so often myself), that it's sometimes a very difficult journey. But He promises to carry you, Jayme, and I KNOW that He will. Isaiah 40:11 says, "He tends to His lambs as a shepherd, and carries them close to His heart." You are one of His chosen and very beloved lambs, Jayme, and He is going to carry you close to His heart....so start snuggling in close, and cling to Him as never before. I love you, my daughter, and I promise you that I will faithfully be praying.
Your "Mom"
You're going to make me cry- I feel helpless. I wish I could give you a hug right now and make it all better for you. I don't have the right words to say- just trust in God that He knows what He is doing.
"God makes three requests of his children: Do the best you can, where you are, with what you have, now."
-African Proverb
Love you! I hope things will get better soon!
Jaym...
First...don't look at Scott not getting "this" job as a bad thing...God may have something bigger and better for him...Keep the faith!
Second...
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
~ Unknown
All may feel hopeless right now...believe me I remember what it looks...feels and smells like! Hon, God reached down and pulled me out of the deepest darkest pit but I had to let go and give it ALL to Him first!!
So hand it over to Him...and take your next step forward...no looking back...only looking UP!!
(((Jayme...along with my love...I'm sending you the worlds biggest hug!!)))
Jayme, you are in my prayers! My heart just aches for you :( Hang in there sweetheart!
Jaym-- I sent you an e-mail and it bounced back twice--- do you have another address?
Jayme,
"I sing...I dream...I love... anyway." (Those words are from a Martina McBride song, and I love the idea. Do it anyway.)
You have been blessed by God with so many talents. As you sing, dream, dance, and live, you bring pleasure to God, your Maker and Creator. He loves you so much. You are in His hands. You are a treasure.
I'm excited to see how God is going to show up and take your breath away as you trust Him with your life. Be blessed today.
I love you,
Adrienne
jess, we switched email carriers back in june when we left chicago and it just now kicked me off without warning. i'm trying to get it back if only to retrieve all my addresses and attachments, etc. for now, i can be reached at Jayme_Mester@bostonconservatory.edu
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